Reboot. Quickpull.

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Reboot. That’s what we do with our computers or phones in the event they freeze somewhere while in use. We ‘quickpull’ our Blackberries when the applications aren’t working as expected. But can we reboot and quickpull life? Is it possible to rebuild something that has frozen over?

We say that we cannot relive life. For whatever we have done and experienced in the past should be used as learning blocks so that in the future, we will not be able to commit the same mistakes again. But does this also hold true for relationships?

When I was younger I personally do not believe that relationships, especially if it has already turned sour and bitter, should be relived – revived even. But this I say coming out of relationship from a man who cheated on me and toyed around. So you can just imagine my disgust to even think about going back to them right?

Don’t get me wrong about not being serious with the former flame I have had. I was dead serious. I have even envisioned spending the cringing ‘forever’ with him. But as I venture in to another relationship, my perspective has changed.

It is now that I want things to have its second chance. Besides, everyone should be able to redeem their selves for something that was said or done unintentionally. I believe now that actions and words spoken while in an amygdala hijack should never been taken seriously, so with that I now give everything the second chance they deserve.

With that being said, I am actually doing a quickpull in this union I have with the boy I happen to love so much. It doesn’t matter how many quickpulls and reboots we do for as long as through these, we will be able to continue growing and taking things maturely.

Like a computer or Blackberry, I hope that after this reboot, things will run smooth and well. That after the quickpull we won’t freeze ourselves to kill the frizzle down. I hope like how a restart button works, we will be able to start anew, pick up from where we left off, and apply the lessons we had along the way to make us both better.

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Atelophobia

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Nobody said it is going to be easy. No one ever mentioned it will be a walk in the park. All things considered, I still decided to take the plunge and give it a try.

As we went on, there were cudgels we both have to endure to make things work; to make us better. These, I believe are vital for growth and will make us mature. They were obstacles from where we can pick up lessons we can use as we hurdle the challenges of being in a relationship.

During the first few instances we had misunderstandings; I felt that we are a normal couple. Despite the fact that we know each other so well, there are still gaps and holes needed to be fixed. There are things we still disagree upon.

When it has come so turbulent, you blamed yourself for inflicting so much hurt to me. You blame your whole self for every single disagreement we have without thinking that I should also share the blame. It was sweet of you to do that, but I cannot fathom why you won’t give me my slice of pie and live with that.

I remember I told you once that, for whatever action we do, whether good or otherwise, it is a product of how one of us acted to a certain situation. However, you do not see it that way and instead take up to every reason why we fight.

And then we were caught in turmoil. We found ourselves drowning with emotions. Both of us needed to deflect our anger, frustration, and disgust in ways that we are familiar with. I cried each single day, while you lash your anger out to the wall or speak ill to whoever speak to you with insensitive words.

You told me you are so afraid of ever hurting me again so you want out. You told me you will not be able to provide me the best things this planet can give so you want out. And you told me that because of these, you are not the man I deserve.

Although you said these straight to my face, I have found a way to force myself to be strong. To not to shed a tear that fateful night. It’s as if you are being afraid of the future. But who isn’t? I also fear on what the future holds for me, for us.

Many times over, I told you its challenge accepted. I don’t care how much pain you cause me for as long as I have you, there wouldn’t be any problem. I also told you that there will not be a day I regret taking this path with you no matter how hard this is going to be.

Just like what Rosemarie DeWitt said to Ben Stiller, it doesn’t matter how tricky things get, how painful it is to be with you, it won’t matter since I committed my self to this and being with you is agreeing to all the pains and hurts.

By sticking with you even after all the quarrels, I have shown you how steadfast I am in sustaining this relationship. While I can’t thank you enough for agreeing to rebuild and not give-up, I also wish that with this renewed chance we have, you will stop thinking lowly of yourself and let go of the fear of things that are yet to happen, of hurting me in the future.

Cliff diving

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            “True love is taking the risk that it won’t be a happily-ever-after. True love is joining hands with the man who loves you for who you are, and saying, “I’m not afraid to believe in you.” ― Cara LockwoodI Do (But I Don’t)

            For the past years of my existence I have been in loved twice. During the first time I have experienced love and be loved, I still see life through rose-colored glasses. I thought then that happy-ever-after exists. My idea of life and love then would be spending the night with the person I love so much. However all these changed when I experienced my first real heartbreak. He cheated on me and my whole world crumbled. Little by little I was able to get hold of my self again, regain my confidence, and learned to accept love again. Much has been said that first love never dies. But I beg to differ. I beg to disagree. It was such a long time since my feelings has died down.

            Now is the second time I have been in love. As I write this entry, I feel giddy like a high school girl sees her crush walk by and smile to my direction.

            It is not difficult to fall in love with him, he would always be there when I need him whether its too late for me to take the cab home or that I need some ibuprofen to cure my dysmenorrhea. Aside from that, we have been good friends for the last seven years.

            All the while, I thought I would not meet a man who personifies the man of my dreams. I thought that Christian Grey only lives in books. But I was wrong. I now have my own version of the palm-twitchingly handsome CEO.

            From the moment I felt something for him; I know I am certain about the feeling. However I was so afraid to let him know since I fear rejection. I was willing to keep the feeling to my self and look at him from a far in love with somebody else. But then, I learned that the feeling is mutual.

            It was pure bliss we shared. The many memories are indescribable. It was like being in love at thirteen and not mind about anything in the world. Just being in love. Purely in love with the person you least expect to fall in love with.

            Like what I learned from Tita Becky (my good friend Ryan’s godmother), venturing in love is like jumping off a cliff. You do not know what will happen but still it’s a risk you take. That’s what I learned through the course of time. Of course there are days when we encounter trials, hardships, and lover’s quarrel to say the least.

            In spite of the fact that we know each other so well before being in a relationship, we still share the ups and downs of being committed to another person. We still have differences to understand and embrace. But all these instances, I believe will and have helped us become better and value our relationship even more.

            Just recently, we had a rough patch. It was so rough that we did not talk for quite a number of days, I would cry my self to sleep, and he would hate his self every time he hear me cry. The emotions were overwhelming he even suggested we “find our selves separately” up to the extent we break up momentarily and talk once we have decided what we think is best for us. So I obliged.

            But then, even before hopping in to the plane for Tagbilaran, I already have my answer. And it is already final, irrevocable, and executory.

            Choosing to be in a relationship with him is a decision I had to think about for quite a time. It definitely did not happen over night. I knew its true love when I would always look after what he wants and what makes him happy rather than keep the happiness all to my self and turn sour when things did not fall my way.

            It was love, the real one, since day 1. It was him who made me cry buckets but the tears meant something else for him. Whenever he sees me cry, he would always think that he’s not the one I deserve. But who is he to say that? I am the only person who can say who I deserve the most, that to that I know it is him.

            I have jumped off the cliff. I thought of my self as someone who would always avert from risks, but this time it’s different. I have submitted my entire self to a high-risk situation. But then I have no regrets. I am willing to go through a lot to keep this relationship better and make each of us the best person for each other. 

Scapegoat

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A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as solution to a problem.

It is heartbreaking seeing your beloved school being dragged in to a mess created by uneducated people pretending to be students of the Law. Knowing that two of your fellow have died a senseless death due to the actions of the master initiators. But what is more disheartening is seeing people close to you be named as prime suspect and later on charged with murder.

A good man. A good friend. An even better person. I cannot believe how a person with these qualities are being used as an easy way out for such a crime. Perhaps he is so good hearted that he will take on the blow rather than have his master be fed to the Lions. Maybe he volunteered on getting the blame just so the good name of their institution will remain untarnished. Or, that he will take the blame for the sake of having some one to face the charges.

Disgusting. Very disgusting how the seniors are lurking in the underpants of their sacred brotherhood and yet use the new breed as the bait. Send the kids to jail while the olds sit comfortably in their homes, memorizing codals, and pretend like they know nothing. I wonder how they can stomach all these. I wonder how they feel at night. I wonder if they ever still have conscience. I wonder if they will later on find the man they are supposed to be and answer for their mistakes.

To you, the revered highness, be a man. Be true to your organization’s principles. Stand up. Have your self recognized. If you and your crew do not have a hand on any of this, show up. You are a student of the Law and you should know that there is a due process. Stop using the good man as your scapegoat. Quit pointing dirty fingers on some one rather than your own. Be a leader. We all know who you are. We, the outsiders of your org, know so well who you are. I hope you stop playing this stupid escapist act. I hope you turn yourself in. I hope you ain’t being sissy. Lastly, may you live by the virtues we have learned through St. Benedict.

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No to frat violence!

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I have always been a proud Bedan. Question my loyalty to the school and I will surely wring you from all sides. I staunchly support the Red Lions in their every game. I would wear red, or whatever Bedan shirt even to sleep. My fondness of the color red is undeniable as I associate this with my alma matter. I call my self a full blooded Bedan. A Bedan not by chance but by fate. I would go ecstatic whenever we win championships, I get elated when I hear good news about the school, and I would boastfully display the Animo scarf in my office workstation. That is how proud of a Bedan I am. But this turn of events, I am not sure anymore.

Two deaths “allegedly” caused by hazing gave my beloved school a bad spotlight. Its humiliating and degrading especially if we take pride on producing alumni such as Former Senator Rene Saguisag, the late President-the-Philippines-never-had Raul Roco. I hope the fraternities and sororities would stop with this violence. These students ought to be well versed of the Law however, they were the ones who break the rules and murder a would-be brod. Murder as they should have known, is a heinous crime; a non-bailable offense.

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In light of this unfortunate demise of a Bedan brother, Andrei Marcos, who lost his precious life due to a senseless act of supposed ‘fraternal’ initiation. May justice be served to those who have wronged this young man. I may have not known him personally but still my condolences goes to the family he left behind. And my utmost disgust to the people responsible for this barbaric act.

Let us all hope that the San Beda College administration will truly cooperate in bringing justice to this.

The things to do: my bucket list

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The numerals on this list does not consitute to the sequence of fulfillment of each item. It just merely shows how many things I want to do before I get to have a family of my own, and before I take my final bow at life.

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On things to do before getting married:

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1. Travel alone. Somewhere domestic and relatively safe. PS Tagaytay doesn’t count.
2. Learn a new language. Speak fluently.
3. Scuba dive. Find nemo.
4. Be enthusiastic about work. This! I must. Soon.
5. Star gaze.
6. Go on a couple’s travel. Withdraw from reality and create a world of our own. For 3 days.
7. Finish my Masters. Don that Blue toga. I know it’ll look good on me. Claim it!
8. Laugh crazily at how stupid I can be.
9. Visit Batanes. I really want. I must. I should.
10. Witness a festival. Sinulog or Maskara or Kadayawan. Whichever is possible.
11. Read a book at the solitude of a warm sun, a blue ocean, and cold wind.
12. Reconnect with grade school and high school peers. It has been a long time.
13. Not be insecure.
14. Be on a Cambodia-Vietnam exodus and actually enjoy the trip.
15. Travel out of the country with friends.

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16. Be foolishly inlove.
17. Be inlove.
18. Forgive and forget all the wrongs from the past.
19. Have a place of my own.
20. Enjoy things while I am still single.

On before getting to the Twilight zone:

1. See Athens. And be mesmerized at how beautiful the structures can be.
2. Go on a cruise. Maybe not aboard the Titanic but still to something extravagant. Disney perhaps?
3. Visit Jerusalem.
4. Fall in love in Paris. In Tokyo. In London. In Beijing. And in Cannes.

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5. Go on a Binondo walking food trip.
6. Sky dive. Atleast in my dream.
7. Meet some one so famous every one will be jealous we’re on a first name basis.
8. Live at Wisteria Lane. A day is fine.
9. Be a kid again at Sanrio Land. Hoarde all the Hello Kitty things I see and touch.
10. Be helpful to others. A noble act.
11. See a Broadway musical. Doesn’t matter if its here or overseas.
12. Watch a Cirque Du Soleil performance here in Manila. O is o-some in Las Vegas!
13. Not be wary of money.
14. Live life fit for a queen. With my king.
15. Enjoy life as it is.

And as I fulfill these one by one, I would cross the things I have done out. Lets see how far I can go and how long the internet, WordPress, and iPad can survive the changing times.

I wish my self good luck and that I declare the games officially open.

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Welcome party! Yay!

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It has been months (or years) since I last wrote which does not involve business, leadership, ethics, or anything related to school. I was in hiatus from squeezing my creative juices and bang away at the keyboard. I was not able to find time in between processing invoices, preparing excel sheets for accrual, and writing. Until I found my self lurking on my sisters-in-ink’s blog sites and realized that my love for writing did not wither. Rather I voluntarily put a block on it.

Today I am dousing ice-cold water on my writer’s self so I may come up with my own blog site. I am voluntarily lifting the block and will begin sharing whatever, whenever possible.

I am actually elated by the idea. So I hope I can make do of this blog. However, pardon my sometimes incomprehensible line of thinking and unpolished grammar too!

Thank you to my sister-in-ink, Pamela To-Ong for the inspiration!